I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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