oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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