my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
