Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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