White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
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