I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
It's rum buckets o'clock
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
