hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
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