Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
