Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
