Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
