Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
