Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
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