dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize