DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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