why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize