A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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