Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Randomize
