Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
