i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
