the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Randomize
