yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
