i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
