I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
high people should be assigned attendants
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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