Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize