Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
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