I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
