help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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