I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
