i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
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