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I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
