The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
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