life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
