i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize