So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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