I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Dignity is for republicans.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
