he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
