I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
