She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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