saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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