Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Randomize
