He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
