My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
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