The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
