Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
