Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Randomize
