if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
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