If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
