we made out on top of his cat.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
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