I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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