You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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