my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
