i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
