Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
