you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
