I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Randomize
