I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
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