sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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