I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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