i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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