1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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