remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Randomize
