Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
