I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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