My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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